Sorry
by ilovemuffincakes
Summary: <html><head></head>Sequel to Not Even Human. Quinn's POV on the aftermath of her and Rachel's destructive relationship. Past Faberry, current PezBerry, and Berrittana friendship. Femslash and sadness.</html>


**A/N: **Okay, I've got quite a few reviews on Not Even Human and All She Knows asking for Quinn's point of view on this situation, so I've decided to give the people what they want. Hope it's not too bad. :) **The song is** **Sorry by the Jonas Brothers**.

* * *

><p>I know I'm a bitch sometimes.<p>

…_Okay_, I'm pretty much always a bitch. But still. That doesn't mean that I'm heartless or anything terrible like that. I'm just guarded. _Very_ guarded. The more people fear me, the less they try to get to know me. I learned at a very young age that shutting people out is the best way to keep from being hurt.

Yeah, my parents were freaking _wonderful_.

So the way I treated Rachel while we were dating honestly should've been expected.

I mean, really. She, of _all_ people, should know by now that when I feel things stronger than I can handle without being openly emotional (ew), I respond by lashing out. It's the way I am. I can't change that.

That doesn't mean that I don't love her, though. Because the truth is I _really_ do. I have never felt anything so strong for another person in my life. For the few months we dated and even a month or so before _that_ she was all I could think about, talk about, _dream_ about. She was, is, and will always be the center of my world. I'm so in love with her it makes my head spin and my heart swell and brings a smile to my face.

But it also hurts.

It hurts because she isn't mine anymore.

Now she's with Santana and I'm not allowed to be within 10 feet of her at any given time under threat of death from _Brittany_. My former best friends now constantly surround Rachel, protecting her from _me_. The Glee clubbers glare at me whenever they see me. The only reason I haven't left Glee yet is because I have this masochistic desire to see _her_, to see what I've lost. Everyone hates me for what I've done. Even Mr. Schue. He can't even look at me anymore.

And I deserve it.

I broke her. I fucked with her heart one too many times until she finally couldn't take it anymore. She tried to _kill herself_ because of me.

How could I have done that to her?

How could I have hurt her so badly that she wanted to die? I claimed to love her and yet I not only pushed her away, but I plunged a knife into her giant, forgiving, compassionate heart and twisted it until there was nothing left. I succeeded in doing what no other had succeeded in before.

I killed Rachel Berry's spirit.

And all because I was terrified of what I was feeling. I mean, just because I was openly gay with her doesn't mean I was totally accepting of my own sexuality. I always felt like people were staring at us, talking about us, and while that didn't bother Rachel, it did bother me. And I was just _so_ scared of the fact that I had all these intense feelings for the girl I'd supposedly hated since diapers. I couldn't handle it. Once the initial novelty of calling her mine wore off, I started snapping at her. Breaking up with her every few days and then begging her to take me back. I couldn't make up my mind and it was _so_ hard not having anyone to talk to about any of it. I felt so alone, and that only intensified the emotions running through me. I had never been in love and I never expected to be. I honestly just didn't think it was going to happen for me. So when it did, it threw me off. And that fact that I was in love with a female, and more specifically _Rachel Berry_, didn't help matters at all.

I feel like the worst person alive right now.

I still remember the voicemails she left me the night she attempted to take her own life. They replay in my head constantly.

_Sob._ "_Quinn. Quinn, I love you. I'll always love you. When you left me and said you never loved me, I wanted to die. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to kill myself, Quinn. This is goodbye. I love you. Forever and always._"

I distinctly remember crying my eyes out once that final message played and chanting "no, no, no, no, no…" for hours that night. I almost killed myself too. I wasn't going to live without her. Not a chance.

I finally called Leroy Berry at 12:16 am to ask him if she was still alive. If she wasn't, I was going to commit suicide. Simple as that. When sobbed into the receiver and said that she was still with us, I felt an unmatchable feeling of sheer relief flood through me.

But then he begged me to come see her, that she would love to see me when she woke up, and I lost it. The guilt I felt for having almost cost that sweet man his amazing daughter consumed me and I made him swear not to tell her I called before hanging up. After that I curled into a ball and wept.

That was when I truly realized how much of a monster I really was.

* * *

><p>I haven't spoken a single word since the night Rachel almost left this world. That was three months ago. I let everyone talk about me, say awful things to me, and treat me like the dirt under their shoes without fighting back because I deserve it. In fact, I deserve worse. I deserve to be tied to a post and burned alive, like witches were back in the day.<p>

Today, though, I've decided to finally open my mouth. To sing. To Rachel.

To apologize one final time.

When I enter the choir room (late) and politely nudge Brad off the piano bench, everyone stares at me. I can feel the contempt rolling off of all of them in waves and it's unnerving.

At least they're finally united over something.

Mr. Schue looks over at me and sighs. "What are you doing, Quinn?"

I look at him for a moment and then speak for the first time in months. "I-" my voice is really raspy from lack of use, so I clear my throat and try again. "I'm gonna sing." He, along with everyone else, looks ready to protest. "Wait, guys, before you get out the pitchforks and stuff just hear me out."

They all look between each other and then back at me before Mercedes nods warily. Her hatred of me stings the most because we were close before all of this went down. She was one of my best friends.

I swallow the lump in my throat and speak again. "Thank you. Now this song is an apology to Rachel-" Santana shouts "oh _hell_ no!" and tries to lunge out of her seat but is stopped by Sam. I try as hard as I can to keep the tremble out of my voice as I continue. "Once I do this, I'm done, okay? I'll get out of all of your lives. You won't have to see this horrible person ever again. I'll-I'll drop out of school, or-or transfer, or kill myself. Whatever you want. Just-" tears slide down my cheeks before I can stop them. I don't have the right to cry. Everyone looks stunned, except Santana. She's _livid_. "Just, please. Let me do this."

Dazed nods occur all around the room. Mr. Schue says, "O-okay. Take it away, then, Quinn."

I nod gratefully and play the opening bars of the song on the piano.

_Broken hearts and last goodbyes__  
><em>_Restless nights but lullabies__  
><em>_Helps to make this pain go away__  
><em>_I realize I let you down__  
><em>_Told you that I'd be around__  
><em>_Buildin' up the strength just to say_

I feel kind of lame for picking a Jonas Brothers song, but it describes exactly how I feel so I can't complain.

_I'm sorry__  
><em>_For breakin' all the promises that I wasn't around to keep__  
><em>_It's all me__  
><em>_This time is the last time I will ever beg you to stay__  
><em>_But you're already on your way_

I can see the pain flash behind those beautiful brown eyes that I was once able to stare into for hours on end and realize just how different things are when I'm forced to look away after only a few moments.

_Filled with sorrow, filled with pain__  
><em>_Knowing that I am to blame__  
><em>_For leavin' your heart out in the rain__  
><em>_And I know your gonna walk away__  
><em>_Leave me with the price to pay__  
><em>_Before you go I wanted to say__  
><em>_Yeah_

I'm so angry at myself for what I did to her. The more I think about it, the angrier I get.

I changed the music to this song to be a little less rock/poppy and a little more melancholy because I didn't want to make a big show out of this. I just wanted to say my piece.

That doesn't stop me from banging on the piano keys as the chorus comes around again.

_That I'm sorry__  
><em>_For breakin' all the promises that I wasn't around to keep__  
><em>_And it's all me__  
><em>_This time is the last time I will ever beg you to stay__  
><em>_But you're already on your way_

I briefly squeeze my eyes shut to sharpen my vision because my eyes were clouded over with tears; tears which are now spilling over onto my cheeks and cascading down in rivers to collect in my lap.

This hurts _so much_.

_I can't make it alive on my own__  
><em>_But if you have to go, then please girl__  
><em>_Just leave me alone__  
><em>_'Cause I don't want to see you and me going our separate ways__  
><em>_Begging you to stay__  
><em>_If it isn't too late_

If only she _would_ leave me alone. Not physically; she avoids me like the plague. But mentally. I am incapable of thinking of anything but her. And it kills me.

Serves me right, though.

_I'm sorry__  
><em>_For breakin' all the promises that I wasn't 'round to keep__  
><em>_It's all me__  
><em>_This time is the last time I will ever beg you to stay__  
><em>_But you're already on your way__  
><em>_But you're already on your way_

I finish out the song and then just sit there sobbing uncontrollably and blubbering apologies. It should be embarrassing, but I really couldn't care less.

No one says anything or moves at all, they all just sit there and stare at me as I start rambling.

"Rachel, I'm _so_ sorry for what I did to you, for what I made you think you had to do…I _know_ I'm a terrible person and I _know_ that everybody hates me and I deserve it. I deserve it all because I fucking ruined you because I was so scared and I'm just so _unbelievably_ sorry, Rach. I know you'll never forgive me, and I don't want you to, I don't want any of you to, because I don't deserve it. I deserve to have all of you hate me and throw slushies at me and beat me up every day and even _that_ wouldn't be enough of a punishment. I'm going to hell for what I did to you, Rachel. Maybe there I'll find my dad and he can kick my ass, too, just like he used to." I stand and glance at Rachel briefly, but find the scuff marks on the floor to be more interesting as I finish my monologue. "I love you, Rach. I know I never acted like I did, but I always have. You're the only person I've ever loved, _will _ever love, and I'm so sorry that I messed it up." I look over all of the face of the people I'd come to love over the past couple years, memorizing their faces, and then give a final nod. "Goodbye, guys. I'll miss you, even though I'm sure you're all more than happy to see me go."

And then I leave the choir room for the last time.

"_Lucy Quinn Fabray_! You do _not _get to say all of those things, to-to sing that song, and then just _walk away_! Do you hear me?"

I freeze.

She huffs from behind me. "Jesus Christ, do I have to do everything?"

And then suddenly, standing before me in all her glory, was Rachel Barbra Berry.

"R-Rachel? What are you doing out here?" I ask, voice tight from crying.

Her arms cross over her chest in a defensive stance and a sigh falls from her lips. "You hurt me." I just stare at her. _I kind of already knew that_.

"I know."

"You hurt me _so _badly, Quinn. I wanted to die. In fact, I almost _did_ die. Because of _you_."

_Gulp_. Tears well up in my eyes again. "I know."

"Santana treats me better than you ever did. She's not afraid to show me that she loves me. She'd do anything for me. She'd sooner die than hurt me. I love her more than anything."

More tears. "I know."

"Did you get my voicemails that night?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't you answer your phone?"

"I-I was with my parents. They were having a dinner party and I had to go."

"Why didn't you come by to see me, or call to see if I was okay?"

"Santana and Brittany would've ripped my head off if I would've shown up there. And I-I called your daddy. He kept telling me how happy you would be to hear from me and that I should come see you…I made him promise not to tell you I called. I felt so guilty for what I'd done, Rach. I couldn't bear to talk to him anymore knowing that I'd almost murdered his daughter." My voice cracks and I collapse onto the ground, face in my hands.

She watches me cry for about four or five minutes before she says anything.

"I forgive you."

I snap my head up. "Wh-what?"

"I forgive you." She repeats.

I shake my head vehemently. "No-no you _can't_! I don't _want_ you to forgive me! I don't deserve it! I want you to hate me, Rachel! Please, just hate me!"

She crouches down in front of me. "I can't do that, Quinn. You of all people should know that I am notorious for giving out second chances."

"Please, Rachel…_Please_…This is something you just can't forgive…" I cry.

"_No_, Quinn. I forgive you. I feel you have suffered long enough for your horrendous actions and you now know what you did was wrong. And I assume there will be no repeat performances. Correct?"

"N-no. None. _Never_."

"Good." She stands and starts walking back to the choir room. "Oh, and Quinn?"

I look up at her in response. "Don't quit Glee. We need you almost as much as you need us." And then she's gone.

I sit there and cry for God knows how long before I finally gather the strength and willpower to stagger to my car.

This isn't right. She's supposed to _hate_ me. She's supposed to never want to see me again.

Then again, I should've seen this coming.

It _is_ Rachel, after all.

_Why did I ever let you go?_


End file.
